Backyards & Closets

My wife and I love hosting parties and cookouts at our house. This means that several times a month we have anywhere from 10-20 people in our home. We have people in our backyard playing games, people in our kitchen having snacks, and people in our living room hanging out and talking.

During these cookouts we don’t have people in our dining room for long conversations and 3-course meals. And we certainly don’t have people hanging out in our bedroom or our daughter’s nursery.

However, we do have certain people that we allow to not only come to the back of our house but also have access our bedroom when they come over. They get to see where our daughter sleeps. A few of them can even rummage through our closets and look for clothes to borrow if they want to.

We all have a desire for friendships that are this intimate, the friends that we can allow to see our “dirty laundry”; friends that we don't hold anything back from.

Social media is the most evident proof we have that we all have this desire, whether we realize we want it or not. However, the fact that we have social media can be damaging to us as we strive to live in biblical community.

If you were to look at my Facebook page you would see that I have around 1,000 “friends”. On the surface it would look like I have more than enough people who would be there when I need them the most. But if you look under the hood at what is really going on you would see that not only are these people not really my friends, but in fact, I don’t have an authentic relationship with more than a handful of them at all. They are the people that have access to my back yard, but not the friends that I should allow in my bedroom.

To our detriment, through a status update or tweet, we have people to whom we can air out our dirty laundry at all times. This is further proof that each and every one of us have a desire to share the “real me” with those around us.

A few weeks ago I saw a post that troubled me, and made me appreciate Build A Better Us [marriage ministry] even more. She said, “I sure wish my husband made an effort to make me feel special on Mother’s Day.”

This is not only sad, but dangerous as well. This is unfortunate on two fronts. First, this woman obviously has some deep problems in her marriage. But, second, she also doesn’t have a real community to share it with. Thus, she finds a false one through her Facebook wall.

The 1,000 friends I mentioned before aren’t all going to be there to encourage me with Scripture when I need them, nor are they going to be there to pray for me.

This is one of the things I love about discipleship. As long as I have someone willing to lead me with biblical insight, I know I have a safe place to turn. He isn’t going to simply “like” my status or “@ reply” with a generic “I hope things get better”. I know that he is there to listen and to give me godly wisdom during the times when I need it the most.

Hopefully, I also play that role for the men I disciple. If I see them unloading all of their problems on Twitter then I know that I’m failing them. Our life-on-life is lacking something because I’m not a safe place for them to talk through their issues and I haven’t instilled in them the importance of taking their problems to Jesus.

As I am being discipled and discipling men I should strive for a relationship where they are allowed in my “bedroom”. They should have access to my closet. This will not only benefit both of us, but will be a source of sanctification. If there are things that I’m hiding from these men then I want them to have the right to ask me about it, to hold me accountable.

The Christian life isn’t one to be lived alone; we are made to be in relationship. While I can’t give everyone access to the back of my house, I do want to bestow on certain men the right to see all of me, even the dirty closet. If they don’t see these areas, then I can isolate and hide my struggles and sin. Or I will eventually allow the wrong people to see my private rooms who can take advantage of my vulnerability. This has the potential to be detrimental to my life and ministry.

Who do you allow in your bedroom? Who has access to your closet? Do you keep your struggles to yourself? Or do you have the people who can point you to Jesus when you need it the most?

A Foundation of Love

            Discipleship has become a buzzword in many Christian circles lately. This isn’t a bad thing; in fact it’s a great thing. Jesus commands all of His followers to make disciples in what’s known as the Great Commission in Matthew 28:19-20. Sadly, we have fallen away from this being a commandment to all believers. We expect the people who work for our churches to teach the Word to everyone else, leaving the rest of us no responsibility to make disciples whatsoever. We have replaced what is our duty by passing the job on to the staff of our churches. This is not only lazy, but I would argue that is disobedient and therefore sinful.

            However, we must be careful in this. Making disciples and teaching others God’s Word IS a command. In fact, I would go so far as to say that teaching the Bible to our disciples is one of the most significant eternal investments we can make as believers. But we can’t forget one important thing… It’s not our greatest command. In Mark 12:28-30 we see someone approach Jesus and ask Him about that very issue. He says to Jesus, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” (Mark 12:28 ESV). Jesus answers him by quoting Deuteronomy 6:4 and saying that we are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. He then goes on to say that we are to also love our neighbor in the same way that we love ourselves. We see that God’s greatest command is based on love.

            If the goal of making disciples were to just teach the Bible then we were right by passing this job off to our pastors. After all, they often know much more about the Bible than we do and could easily do this Bible teaching from the pulpit. But teaching God’s Word is only part of the equation. Making disciples, just like anything else, needs to be founded on love. Love of God and love of our disciples. This love is built through our growing relationship with them. This is an unrealistic expectation for 1 pastor to have with a whole congregation. No one would ever even suggest that it would be possible for him to have a deep relationship with everyone who attends his church.

Our initial goal should be to spend time, show love, and serve them in any way we can. This will show our disciples that we value them. A byproduct of this love will be a strong relationship. Now you don’t have a relationship that is just you preaching at them. It is a relationship that is built on love.

If we start with loving our disciples, caring for them, and being their friend they will know that what we teach and tell them matters. It matters to them and becomes real because they know we care about them. They know what we say to them is in love. It is God’s Word that we want them to know and love the same way that we do.

Now we’re not just guessing at what we want to teach them because we know them. We know their struggles. We know their interests. We know their victories and we know their failures. We know their stories. We know who they are. We know them well enough to show them that God’s Word is relevant to their lives. We can show them that everything they are going through is addressed in the Bible. We can show them that it’s not just some study, it’s a love letter written to them from God.

I think one of the reasons that people want to jump right into teaching is because at the end of the day it’s easier. It’s not less work, but it definitely has a systematic formula. You teach them a passage or section of scripture and then call it a day. This isn’t so when you invest the time that it takes to formulate a loving friendship. There is no life-on-life with the Bible study driven model. Living life with someone takes time. We see this very clearly in the life of Jesus. Many Bible scholars have said that Jesus spent up to 85% of His final 3 years with His 12 disciples. He spent time with them because He loved them. He spent time with them because He didn’t see them as a project; He saw them as an eternal investment. He saw them as the ones who would carry on His message long after He was gone.

If I were to ask 100 people,  “what do Christians do?” The answer I’m going to get 90-100 times is “read the Bible, pray, and go to church”. While these are definitely things that we do to connect and communicate with the God we love, these aren’t our primary actions. If you made a chart of my time usage from month to month these actions would only make up a small fraction of my time. So why are we defined by them? In John 13:34-35 we see that Jesus says that we will be known as His disciples by the way we love one another. Jesus says that our Bible study and prayer times don’t define us. He says that we are known and defined by our love for one another. This should be true of our discipleship relationships as well.

All of our earthly relationships should be a reflection of our love of Jesus. And because of this love we will want to obey the commands that He has given us. This of course includes the command to make disciples. We should begin by loving them, and striving for them to love Jesus in the same way that we do. We show them His love by teaching His Word and sharing His Gospel. Only then will our disciples want to start the cycle themselves and begin making their own disciples. They will inevitably repeat what you model in front of them. If you model a Bible study, they will start a Bible study. If you love and emotionally invest in them, they will do the same for their disciples. I’ve turned this idea into the chart below:

Why do we make disciples in the first place?

            Let me be clear, I think that teaching the Bible and sharing theological truths are some of the most needed yet most neglected areas of discipleship. I’m simply suggesting that this isn’t WHY we disciple, nor should it be the place that we start. We start with love so that the relationship can grow. The transference of knowledge is what we are working toward, which is why it’s important to begin the relationship with the end in mind.

            Making disciples can be intimidating. Fortunately we have ministries like DownLine and DownLine Online that can teach you all you need to know to get started when making a disciple. They have even released the DownLine Builder, a customizable curriculum that takes the guesswork out of the Bible study side of the relationship. Loving them, however, is going to take intentional time and effort on your part. There is no formula, system, or curriculum for that. This is why it is called giving your life away for the sake of others. This is what Paul describes in 2 Thessalonians 2:8 when he says, “We cared so much for you, and you became so dear to us, that we were willing to give our lives for you when we gave you God's message. (CEV)”

At the end of any discipleship relationship I have been in I want them to be able to say, “Jeff taught me a lot about the Bible. He also taught me what I need to know to be a successful Christian man. He did all of this by showing me the love of Jesus Christ.” That’s a success in my book. That’s what Jesus did with His 12 disciples, and that’s exactly what I want my disciples to do with their lives and the men disciple as well.

Discipleship's Winning Numbers

We’ve all been watching the evening news and have seen the portion of the show when the lottery numbers are drawn. For most of us, this is a boring time where we often think, “Ok, ok. Let’s get on with it.” Most of us may even wish that this wasn’t part of the broadcast at all. But how different would your attitude be if you bought a ticket that morning? If you were anxiously holding that lottery ticket in your hand? How different is your perspective then? As the numbers are drawn, you are on the edge of your seat with anticipation. You can’t wait one more second for that next number to be called, hoping that it matches the one you picked earlier in the day. You are hanging on to every word that is spoken by the announcer as if they are speaking to you directly, calling out the first number, then the second, then the third…

It’s amazing how having some level of involvement can have such a profound impact on how we view different situations like this.  The same application can be used when we are discipling someone, or for that matter teaching them the Bible in any context. If they don’t know that the passage you’re teaching speaks directly to them, they are going to have the same attitude as the person who didn’t buy the lottery ticket. They aren’t going to care what’s being said, because it has no connection to them whatsoever.

However, if we can show them that what we are teaching them from the Bible can be directly applied to their life, they will hang on our every word just like they would for the lottery numbers as a ticket holder. If they can hear the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15 and hear that their Heavenly Father is waiting with arms wide open to forgive them like the earthy father in the story, they suddenly become a character in the story. It begins to come to life for them. If they read in 2 Corinthians 5:17 that ‘if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation - the old has passed away and the new has come,’ they would know that they too can be a new creation if they come to Christ. They can put away their old life, and have a new life in Christ. It is no longer a letter written by some guy named Paul 2000 years ago. It is a letter to them. A letter from God.

This is a challenge for most of us, because now not only do we have to know the Bible so we can teach it to others. We also have to know the people we’re teaching on a personal level. We have to know all about their life so we can show them how to apply Scripture to where they are and what they’re going through. There is no shortcut for this. It takes time and an emotional investment from both parties. It takes me giving the time and showing a genuine concern for the young men I disciple, while investing in their lives personally. This is the only way to be effective in making disciples, and is exactly what Jesus did with His 12 men. They won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

The people who are holding lottery tickets are anticipating the announcement of every number. It matters to them because they are their numbers. That ticket belongs to them. The same applies to the Word of God. That verse is theirs. It is God’s promise spoken directly to them.

 There are no sure bets in this life, but there is one thing that is certain. If you can teach someone the Bible and how to apply what they read on their own, it will transform their life in such a way that they will want to do the same for someone else.